The Ugly Side

Conjoiner, rejoinder, poisoner, concealer, revelator. Look at it, rising up and rising down, taking everything with it. Even though the writer said he was just describing the water waves but for these words resemble life ways. Life plays games with us and with our emotions, it plays with our imagination. Whenever anyone writes out of his imagination, we generally call it fiction. Which means not real. If imagination is fiction it should cease to exist when pen stops. But does it cease to exist? Or it grows out of little words in the paper and form a garden of dreams in readers mind.

I came across this this book, “The Faults in our Stars” by John Green. It was few months back and even though I had a busy schedule I started flipping the pages. It was the novel about a exaggerated melodramatic love of some teenagers suffering from cancer. The same regular story, they talk about death, cry fearing of separation, both fight to live and fulfill each other’s wishes and one shall die at the end and another shall live a miserable life thereafter. But the writer presents the end artistically showing that the living one live in the sweet past memories. I didn’t read the book. I read few pages and honestly speaking I couldn’t stand it. Not because I became emotional or sentimental due to the heart-touching story NO. I threw it away because it’s a crap. For your information I am not talking about the book or its content being crap, it’s the bestseller. One doesn’t just become a bestseller. I am calling it a crap because I felt like it’s a crap when I was reading it. After reading Nicholas Sparks, Cecelia Ahern, Stephen Chopsky all these years, living a life in their stories, crying with the tragedies, enjoying the moments of love, kayak with Noah and Ellie, staging with Landon and Jamie, slowly they became the part of my life. May be I was turning out to be the kids that adults pity on as Green says. I believed there is life after novel ends. My life. Maybe I was the side effect to an evolutionary process, a failed experiment on mutation. I was believed the writer was writing about me. Every time It was my own story. Its insane isn’t it? A man in America who doesn’t even know that I exist and I believe that he writes about me. What can be more crazier than that.

When I look back now I realize its all about how you feel about anything. And I felt that its’ all crap. The novel is made into a movie which is the blockbuster as well. After seeing all the appreciation for John Green I decided to try reading again. I downloaded the PDF and started reading. I read almost halfway this time and left. This time I found something in that book and that’s the reason why I am writing all these. The reason is Peter Von Houten and his “an imperial Affliction”. I was impressed by the idea of incomplete book. I goggled it to find that peter von houten is not a real person and neither any book by the name of “An imperial Affliction exists”.  The idea is awesome. He beautifully portrayed the two major consequent of nature, the beauty and the Ugly. It’s the geniuses of John Green. He portrayed the book “An Imperial Affliction” as the symbol of beauty and the character Peter Von Houten as Ugly. The natural combination of beauty and ugly is presented in the novel, as the sun and shade, light and heat, love and pain. After talking about all these anyone wonders what real is beauty or ugly that I am talking about. And I have the same answer that I have already stated, depends on perspective. But I can define ugly. After I came across the novel “the 3 comrades” by Enrich Maria Ramareq, I got the hint what really is ugly. Ugly is simple. It’s just the lack of beauty. But beauty is not that simple. And being a male sex it’s even more difficult for me. Yes, that’s right when I analyzed the phenomenon of beauty I came to understand that women know what beauty is. They have that in them. They just don’t realize that. An infant girl, then a girl child, then a teenager and a young women in all stages of life they define beauty. That’s not with men. Women define beauty in any social role, a daughter, sister, a girlfriend, wife, a mother in every role of this life they deliver beauty. I analyzed this fact from various perspective. I analyzed Patricia’s act of not letting Lokhamp see her in the deathbed, she knew the beauty of it. Jamie knew what beauty is, she wanted to get married before she died. There are lots of character that can be quoted here but its irrelevant. Even though I boasted I got the hint of beauty but I must say I don’t have any concrete words to express that what I know. But I have an experience though. I can share that. Its just one experience of subconscious acting over me, eyes stared, didn’t blink and imagination rolled on. That’s all. Let me make it less subtle. Once read this story about a squirrel that saw a gold coin at the end of the rainbow. He was happy to see it, it worked as a good work for him. One day he climbed the rainbow to get the coin  and when he reached there, the coin turned out to be a cornflake. In this story, the squirrel feeling happy seeing the coin is beauty. But squirrel climbing the rainbow to get it is ugly.

I am not saying  what I read all these years is crap. I want to read these again and again. I want to cry again when Jamie says she’s dying of leukemia, thrill with experiences of Dorian Grey, feel love with Noah and Ellie and flirt with Patricia. I am so fortunate that I lived through those moments and I am ready to sacrifice anything to live that beauty again.  But I am displeased with the ugly side of it. It haunts me every night. I regret why I went through all these crap and tried to educe them in my life. It ruined everything. I regret that.

References:
the faults in our stars
the 3 comrades
the picture of Dorian Grey
the walk to Remember
the Notebook