First online date (few years back)

Then:
I have rubik cube in my hands and with every turn my mind is analysing the consequences of today's date. Whatif I dont like her? There are some people in everyone's life,  however good looking and good character they have we wish never to see them, our insights hate them. Whatif she turns out to be one of them? Ugly face or unstylish clothes are never a problem,  I've seen lots of such faces convert into gorgeous one along with time and regretted a lot. Ugly shades in character and personality is a big problem, however one wants to change it I've seen very few people able to do so, but not 100% change.
With every turn of pieces of cube, questions are arising in my mind and with every side completed, I am getting my answers. If I don't like her and she doesn't like me its not a problem, won't see or call again. Chapter closed. But what if she likes me and I don't? What if she calls or want to see me again? I don't intend to hurt her feelings. And you can't help if anyone likes you or wants to be with you, do you? Maybe in that situation I should say her what I really think, maybe not. Maybe I shall drag down our relationship to friends category and close the matter. And let time heal it. I know, by experiences,  time heals everything either its external or internal. Not so tough.
Next turn and it asks, whatif I like her? Should I say the same day or wait to see how she reacts being with me, ask for more dates and know what she really feels first.  If she behaves like trying to avoid me then maybe I shall slowly back out and if I get a positive signal? Should I wait? I've seen in movies and series that if a boy propose on the first date, however beautifully he does, he looks pathetic. The girl's idea about the boy changes completely upside down with that little act of boy. Maybe I should wait. But what if she wants me to? I don't wanna be late and lose it. Its getting complicated. If I like her and she is avoiding me, should I try to change her mind? Absolutely not! I shall convince myself,  thats her loss. What if I like her and she proposes out of blue. Should I say yes? I don't think so. How can you judge a person in one date? What if they are just showing off and are completely different by heart. I won't give one more heartbreak to myself. My experiences suggest no, my mind is jumping, YES! YES! Maybe its seeing something after that event. And I don't think I should look after yet another relationship as previous ones gave me lots of setbacks in my career and life. Then why this date? Its totally a bad idea. Why don't you stay home and study? My brain instantly shouts no!, a big NO, my heart starts beating faster and ache, the sides of cube stop moving and all parts of body combinedly goes on strike against that thought. Ok I will go. I know if I don't, I'm gonna spend the whole day regretting.
Next turn and series serious questions arise. What if she is pretty and perfect? No one is perfect,  let's rephrase it, what if she is perfect in everything I think perfection can be in, or what if she is the measure of perfection in my definition of perfection? More responsible than me, higher I.Q and I get nothing to brag about and yet she says we can be together. Should I take it as an insult and leave or try to make it to her level? But I will have to face so many insulting instances In this path. No, I can't,  I cannot bear that. Let's try a different attitude.  How about, I will back out, tell her that she is much more perfect than me and ask her to give me some time and build myself and when I am better in every aspect then ask her out again. She will be probably be gone by then. I know its a stupid idea. What can I do then, just move on, as the script says, When you are perfect you shall get another.
I look below at the cube, its solved but there are lot of questions searching for answers yet in my mind. But I don't feel like looking for answers. We will see what shall happen. I must have patience as I always do and control myself that I always can't do.
Maybe this whole idea is absurd. Internet chat and finally meeting in person. I am feeling nervous.

Now:
I went on that date, she was a gorgeous person with gorgeous personality. We met few more times but we ended hating each other. I stopped using yahoo messenger,  maybe because started using Facebook,  left that city, not because of her, certainly! I saw her some days ago and my memories revived.

Read More →

Stories that are part of our life

Everyone wants to share their stories but I always was a listener.  Maybe I had no stories that were worth sharing. Mediocre life without bumps, I always felt my life was easy going. I used to hear people's stories. They were celebrated,  wanted, loved and separated.  Some were good story teller, they used to explain each and every moments of their life in detail and how much they wanted to go back to their past and correct their gaffe due to which they are suffering today. All these people wanted to live some moments in the past, they wish they could go back. Undo something wrong, apologise to someone and relive some moments. People were different but the stories were similar. And the way and timings they chose to share their stories were different. Some purged themselves as soon as they met a listener,  unbound themselves from all restraints and let their intuition flow while some were diffident and timid. It was a real deal to know their inner self. You had to gain trust for them to open to you. It wasn't that I wanted to know everything about others life. I am not creepy and I hate gossips. But I used to see my friends troubling themselves. They had something in them that was hurting them emotionally and I knew if they share their pain shall lighten, it was the cure in my view. So I listened to those who shared deliberately and even had to force emotionally for some. Sometime these stories came up while talking something unimportant and sometimes we buddies used to have buddies time. I observed and I listened and I analysed. I noticed some kind of changes in the storyteller after they shared their part of stories. Some changes were glee while some gloomy. Some seemed free from unrelenting emotions while in some I found that the memories got revived in them and got worse. I felt happy for those who were happy and felt guilty to be a part of gloom for those in dark world of emotions. All stories had some uncertainties and left some questions at the end. And I was always there for suggestions though unexperienced. I did the value judgement and cause and effect relationship of the components of the stories in the future and tried to suggest them the best solution to their uncertainty. Some listened to me and my suggestions while some pretended to do so. Among them who really listened few applied my views in their life but never totally. I think my ideologies were only partially applicable. These ideologies were derived from their stories.  I had no experience. I had lived on these stories,  felt and experienced thsese stories. My all activities were inspired by these people's stories. I tried to impose all the positive vibes of these stories in me but started observe that dark stains of the stories were already deep rooted in my heart. I felt depressed and thought about these people's life and stories for hours. Why don't they get what they want? Why does this partiality prevails? Why is pain all around,  in everyone's life? The gloomy part of these stories covered me. I sought for answers. But I got none. I read books, watched movies, met new people and heard more stories but only got more similar stories. Some ended happily while some were sad endings. I was unsatisfied. These end were not the real end. The story was ongoing. Things change, people leave and life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to share this with everyone. I wanted to ask them to move on, I wanted to convince them that an end you think is not really an end. But I didn't know how. I couldn't even convince myself. I was changing. My emotions, thoughts and ideologies were changing. I started to search for a way to communicate with sombre souls. I read Gita, bible, performed meditations, stayed hours in temples and churches searching for answers. Then one day due to a sudden turn of events I felt like I got some answers. I felt revived and enlightened. I was glowing. My faith was glowing. I came back to my life. And I started to write. I gave the form of poems, stories to my emotions.  And I read those. I re-read those. I found all the answers there. They were within me. They were within the stories. I read other's writings,  fictions,  non-fiction all that I could get. Everyline gave me pleasure. I laughed and cried with the stories. I watched more movies. I listened to more people. All these stories became a part of my life. But I felt no more sad if the story is tragic. I have got the power to rewrite. I am not depressed because I have realised that it is never an end.

Inspired from "Perks Of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chopbsky
We think we get the love we deserve.

Read More →

Bus ride

We all travel by buses regularly and lots of other people travel with us too. So, whats so special about that? Its the moments, memories and sentiments adjoined with the ride. Sometimes the bus ride feels like the journey of eternity, we want it never to end. Just go and go on, never to stop. We feel like its the best time. Scenes changing, feelings and emotions along with it. We feel like we are so different.  Ya kid you are day dreaming due to long journey. Sometime we want the journey to end before it begins. We feel like cursed and worst thing happening to us that we are climbing into that moving box of people. I have walked a lot due to this feeling and when I am tired I let this feeling to let go. Sometime the bus is empty, can take any seat you like but we feel sad and lonely and sometimes the bus is like  a beehive of people, a moving hive of people,  no place to put the feet, smelly people all around, chattering and pushing each other and over that all the jerks bus make. We stumble over one another, catching another when we fall and bring him down too. But we laugh in each jerks, in each stumble. We make new friends and talk with them all over a long journey until they are tired, irritated and frustrated and sometimes we remain silent with our close friends. Not only while we are inside the bus but sometimes we have lots of fun when we are getting into or off the bus. Like, running after the bus when we are late and waiting for hours when the bus is late. I can't tell you what comes in my mind during those situation.  And I can tell by my experience that those are the days when we are supposed to reach somewhere really important, in time.
I have lots of memories of bus ride, let me share some with you:
The bus was not fully packed. There were unoccupied seats. Two kids were in front of me. One kid was a handicapped,  he had some problem with his leg, the other was ok. The ok kid was sitting and the disable was standing. I felt strange so tried to listen what they were talking. The seated kid was asking the handicapped kid to sit but the handicapped kid replied, "you pay, you sit, I don't,  I don't". I didn't understand but later came to know that, that kid gets a free ride to his school. So he thought it would be immoral to occupy the seat by which the bus owners earn. I know it's sad but I must say all other people in the bus would have stood if they would get a free ride. Na, I wouldn't.
One day the bus was fully packed and I was sitting. Really lucky day it was and I was feeling like I am the king and all other were my peasants. I saw a women struggling with an infant in her arms, among the people. She was really having a hard time. War of thoughts started in my mind. Should I offer the seat to her? Why should I? There are 32 other people in 32 other seats, if they don't then why should I?  I tried to convince myself but my conscience made me to let go the seat. Finally I stood up. The bus halted, she moved towards me, passed me and got off the bus. It was her stand. I looked down to my seat. I had lost it. Some geeky guy was smiling. He was the new king and I was demoted to peasant directly from king. Then what, I stood next five kilometers.
One day I climbed on an empty bus. I was so overwhelmed. I thought this journey is going to be the most comfortable and enjoyable.  I chose my favorite seat. Last seat at the corner of right side with a large window. Slowly the bus got filled and the journey started. I was happy, smiling inside I was slowly feeling the air. Slowly long inhale and long exhale.  My lungs were so happy. Suddenly water drops started to tickle in my face. The window was a wreck. Ya only mine, others was ok. And I was in the last corner seat, with no where to go.  I fought with the rain for a while and let it win. I was soaked as if I was just thrown into a river. I cursed and cursed myself and my decision and promised myself that I will never again sit on that seat even if it was the last seat in the world. Next day when I climbed the bus I found only that seat empty, I jumped into it. It was my best seat remember!
During long journeys by bus, the bus halts in several places. Somewhere for food and refreshments and somewhere in the middle of jungle for refreshments,  if you know what I mean. Where it stops hawkers with their bucket attack the bus. I have no idea how they sense the bus. It was a similar incident.  The bus was at halt for 15 minutes and was surrounded by hawkers from all sides. You can say there was a hawker in each window. There was a guy sitting next to me. He didn't buy anything just sat and watched. But when he saw the driver climbing on the bus suddenly he asked the hawker for almost everything.  When he got all the items in, the bus went on. That poor hawker guy ran behind the bus for a mile. Everyone laughed and the driver didn't stop the bus.  Maybe he had a share.
These are the few memories I am able to remember.  Maybe at those times I had forgot my headphones home and maybe I wasn't day dreaming.  Now you understand what I do in bus. I stand with the bunch of people in crowded passage of the bus and I am somewhere you don't know.

(If u find it fun, do share your bus stories too.)

Read More →

First job

It was the time when I had just turned nineteen and I was in Delhi. I was turning responsible. A feeling of being financially independent had arisen in my mind. Just for fun I had prepared a resume and I went to a job agent next day, wasted some money, went to some bullshit companies and finally sat in an interview that really made me feel it was something worthwhile, where I was heading in life.  Kathmandu, Dashain, Inglorious bastards, etc helped me to excel my interview. I was called for training.  I was excited. I had zero experience of corporate world,  had just seen in movies and always wanted to work in an office; dressing formal, talking corporate, working on an office software. And I was going to get that all. It was really exciting.
It was the first day, I had totally no idea how to reach the place where I was supposed to be trained. I traveled about 20 km in Delhi summer morning, sweating all over my cleanly washed formal suit in packed old buses of Noida for a 3 km road. There was a shortcut I didn't know and no one I knew, knew. Finally I reached totally exhausted and in time. Surprised? I started early, I am a smart-ass and it has happened many times before. It was the branch of the company where I was supposed to be working in near future. It was awesome,  more awesome than I expected. Computers with two monitors, cabins, files, phones exactly what I wanted.  I registered my name as the trainee showing the intent letter. And then went to a hall. There were other guys, quite older than my age and qualifications. I was feeling proud. A beautiful lady in formal dress, whom I never saw again escorted us to another hall. There were more trainees, in total about twenty five.  Except me and Danny, a negro guy, all other were Indians. Danny was from Congo. It was funny later on in the canteen when he was eating Indian food; food that he totally had no idea about. The trainers were good. We had our induction session the first day, where we had to introduce ourselves.  It was an interesting game of introducing ourselves and also telling the names of all others who came before. Luckily I was first, answering a stupid question so I didn't have to memorize all the names. I gave a shaky introduction.  Worst than me were others. I still remember the last guy, he was all red and nervous,  he had to tell his and 24 other names he just heard of. He asked to repeat a lot. Poor guy. Then they introduced the company,  company's history,  its founders,  etc, etc. The training session lasted for 15 days and it was filled with the exciting and unforgettable moments of my life till today. I remember a funny moment, I was asked to talk in front in any topic I like and I was describing the novel by Nicholas Sparks, "A walk to remember",  the trainer cut me in half because it was too long and I was like speaking and speaking, never to finish. Later after the session was over the guys were asking me to complete the story. I was really interested what was being told to us those days, I revised, made a note and knew everything.  At the end of training we were supposed to attend an exit test. Clearing that test would only make our job secured. It was a written and oral test. I was so well prepared that the interviewer praised me so much. He even confessed that he get to see very few interviewee so well prepared though he has taken the interview of good lot of people.  I was praised by everyone,  including the senior level officials and my job was secured. Me and four other people out of 25 got the job.
After that we got in job training of about seven days, where we learned about the software we were supposed to use, work place etiquette  and so on. Till date I was in everyone's attention.  My dressing up,  formals with a tie, my knowledge on the work matters and praises I got from top level guys dragged all my senior co-workers attention. They even tried to discourage me. They suggested me not to wear formals, one guy even warned. The coordinator of the floor suggested to drop the tie, but those things didn't change anything. It was me Mr. Perfect,  the corporate guy as all said.
Then came the day of my first paycheck, the most exciting of all. You know how it feels. But first they made us to sign a 15 pages contract which I read, the most I swear. There were some serious points that needed to be discussed but who cared, they gave the paycheck only after we signed it. I had so much of plans to do with the money. Doing some noteworthy work so that will always remember my first paycheck. I thought of lots of things to do but ended enjoying KFC's best of KFC and PVR's big screen.  I spent all that huge sum of money in just two or three days. Yes it was a huge sum of money for me that time. I never expected I would get that much money in my first job, first month when I didn't even really work. And seeing my qualifications of that time, it was really a huge sum. Then I realized that all my co-workers were MBA after B.E. The irony was that, me a +2 guy was regarded best in work than all those high degree MBAs. Actually qualifications didn't matter much in that job. It was that time I realized employment problem of India. There were so many instances when I did my co-workers work when they didn't complete in time. I helped them a lot in different work related matters. Because of that I was able to make many friends. Everyone treated me as the younger brother, as I was the youngest; they supported and protected me. I also acted as a link between many people.  They even acted as my wing men to hook me with a girl working there but my bad, I was the youngest and ended to be everyone's little brother in formal suit and tie.
Then came the time when I realized I had hurried in my life. The American movies where every 18+ youngsters must search for job had corrupted my mind. The reality was you don't have to if you don't need to. It was different for us, south Asians. When I heard from my co-workers,  they were at least 21 when they applied for the first job and may be 24 or 25 when they got a good one. They were all well qualified with good degrees when they applied. Then everything started to fall apart. I didn't feel excited in nothing but sad. I felt I did a mistake.  My efficiency fell to zero. So, before anyone around realized that I quit the job, got away. I know they won't be remembering me but if some day the company laid down the rule of wearing formals as compulsory,  they will certainly talk about a guy long before who just worked few months but made a difference.
It wasn't a bad experience. I got to learn a lot. My whole thinking perspective changed. I felt like being adult. My personality was changing. The most important lesson I learnt from all these was that, "if you want to make a difference,  be different".

Dedicated to my dear friend Kate's first job.
I wish all the best for her.

Read More →